It doesn't matter
by Michelle JAMES
Summary: John's reflection on his life and feelings after Sam is gone.


** It doesn't matter **  
by Michelle JAMES Copyright 2000 

  
DISCLAIMERS : all these wonderful characters don't belong to me but to their creators. I guess I should say they belong to NBC but I don't think they belong to them any more. Anyway, I just borrow them for a while and I don't get any benefit, any money from this.  


RATING : RG. SJR. John angst.  


I won't tell you anything about the plot. You have to read it to know ... 

* * *

_  
It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
Don't matter if I bleed  
You've been on a road  
Don't know where it goes, where it leads  
/.../_  


***  


Jack is dead.  
  
The statement is clear and simple. Everybody wants to believe now there is new hope, a new life waiting for them, but mainly for Sam.  
  
John is driving towards his apartment. He is exhausted and lets escape a sigh. A sigh of contentment, of achievement, of relief. He pulls up in his parking lot and realizes he has forgotten his keys on his desk. He considers asking the janitor to open his door but he glances at his watch and starts again his engine.  
  
He walks slowly in the empty bullpen. Everybody's already gone, not even one office still has the lights on. As he approaches his desk, he spots a white envelope with his name on it. He recognizes Sam's handwriting and suddenly he is filled with an odd feeling. As he turns he can see there is also one on George's desk. He fears he might understand what it means. Still holding the letter, he notices his hand shaking and hesitates. Finally he puts it in his inside pocket and heads back to his car.  
  
His mind is reeling. He didn't dare to open the envelope and he still doesn't, too scared of what it might content. So he drives aimlessly, thinking of Sam, of the good and bad moments they shared, thinking of the ones he hopes he would have with her. Then it strikes him. Deep inside he can feel it is a dead hope. Everything seems surreal but in the end he can't stand it anymore. He has to know. He stops in a deserted lot aside the road and grabs the envelope. His hands are still shaking and the pace increases as his fingers slid under the seal. He stares at the sheet of paper long minutes before slowly unfolding it.  
  
He reads it once but the meaning of her words doesn't seem to hit him. He has to read it again, twice, even three times to really comprehend it. And still he doesn't believe it. He doesn't want to believe. During the following long minutes, he reads it again and again like hypnotized. He wants to be sure, he is looking for the smallest clue which might indicate he is wrong, that he doesn't understand this the way he should.  
  
The ground seems to open beneath his feet. His world is falling apart. He closes his eyes and sighs deeply, desperately trying to gather his thoughts and to overcome the situation. When he reopens them, he looks around him, listens to his surroundings but he can't see nor hear anything. He is numb, his mind is cloudy, his body seems to be glued to his seat. He almost wonders if he is still breathing.  
  
Up to now he has always known what to do. He has had goals to reach, tasks to accomplish, no matter the cost. After his mother's death, he has become even more dedicated, ready to give his own life, particularly when Sam is concerned.  
  
And yet, right now he really doesn't know what to do. The pain in his heart is the only rule his mind and his body can hear. And that leaves him more alone than ever.  


***  


Nathan, just wearing a pair of jeans and apparently not very well awake, heads slowly and hesitantly toward his door. Not bothering to look through the peep hole, he opens it, ready to yell at whoever would be standing in front of his door. But he only opens his mouth big at the sight of John, not able to speak a word in surprise. Beyond the surprise, he notices how much he looks tired. He doesn't remember to have seen him so exhausted while they were working together and there had been really tough moments then, for both of them.  
  
"Hey buddy !! It's been a long time !" He finally manages to say before engulfing his friend in a hug.  
  
"It's good to see you Nate." John answers as he returns the hug.  
  
Nathan lets him in, Michelle is just arriving behind them.  
  
"John, what a surprise !" She shouts as they quickly hug.  
  
"Yeah, sorry I couldn't come over sooner ..." He replies.  
  
It doesn't need too long for his mood to fall again as he walks across the room to stand beside the window. Nathan talks silently with Michelle before she leaves them both alone in the living room.  
  
"John, are you alright ? No offense pal but you look like hell. And by the way do you know what time is it ?" Nathan jokes.  
  
John turns to him while thinking about it. He doesn't know. A quick glance at his watch fills him in. It is 1:12 am. And he suddenly feels very embarrassed.  
  
"Oh boy, I ... I am so sorry Nate. I should leave. I didn't ..." He begins as he turns toward the door but Nathan doesn't let him finish.  
  
"Stop !" Nathan answers holding up his hands to emphasize the order. "Obviously something's wrong and now that you're here, I won't let you go until I know why or until I have tried to help you. Get it ? "  
  
John faintly smiles. "Okay ... Thanks."  
  
They settle down on the couch. There is a big silence and Nathan begins to worry. 'It must be huge' he thinks. John has his eyes closed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head down. Nathan watches him silently for a while.  


"Come on, John. You know you can trust me. Tell me what is it which is visibly affecting you so much."  
  
John sighs heavily as if he was carrying the world's weight on his shoulders. Then he rushes his hands through his hair.  
  
"Sam is gone."  
  
***  
  
_ /.../  
It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
If you've made up your mind to go  
I won't beg you to stay  
You've been in a cage  
Throw you to the wind you fly away  
/.../  
_   
***  


"Is she ... " Nathan asks, unsure.  
  
"No !" John answers, jerking his head up. "Fortunately not. I would never have let this happen." He whispers.  
  
He sits straight up on the couch and look at Nathan while explaining.  
  
"I guess you heard that Jack is dead." Nathan nods. "What you might not know is what happened before we got him." He pauses slightly. "He kidnapped Sam, tortured her mind. We finally found her but Jack escaped. He found a way to reach Chloe and put thoughts into her mind. He made her believe Sam was responsible for her father's death." Nathan shakes his head and winces. John continues.  
  
"Now this is over, she has decided she needed some time for herself and for Chloe after all that happened ... After the whole Jack thing."  
  
"What are you going to do ?"  
  
"Nothing. I can't."  
  
"Come on John. Don't tell me you aren't going to tell her or ... do something ?!"  
  
John sighs. "You don't understand. She's gone Nathan. All I know is what she wrote in this letter." He says quietly, holding up the letter.  
  
Nathan frowns. "I am sorry man." He pats John's shoulder.  
  
"Not as much as I am." He whispers back.  
  
Still looking at the envelope in his hands, he speaks again.  
  
"You know, the first second Sam entered my life that day, I understood I would die for her. I repressed that feeling. I didn't know her, she was the most attractive woman I've ever met but she was acting so strangely, I just put it in the back of my mind. And then, even if I still couldn't understand what she was doing, when I happened to know her I quickly realized I needed her like nothing else. I could no longer figure my life without her. She is so everything : beauty, strength, intelligence, love … love for her friends, for his family. " He seems to hesitate. "Sometimes I even frightened myself when I was thinking I understood Jack ... Almost jealous of a dead guy ..." He trails off.  
  
"Pretty scary, uh ??" He has a hint of a smile which disappears as soon as it came. He closes his eyes. "Now she is gone, now that it is too late, I can really accept I love her. I mean ... truly, deeply ... like I never did before." An ironic smile seems to creep on his lips but bitterness sweeps it "I've kept this inside me all these years. She was so out of reach in so many ways. My own pain reflected hers as I watched her suffer without being able to stop it. I don't remember hurting that much since … you know … " He waves his hand to underline his meaning. "I hurt and I think I was ashamed. As if it was wrong. I never told anyone about this. I knew you had a hint but ..."  
  
Nathan simply smiles and lets John talk. It is visible the confession costs him a lot. John Grant talking about himself, about his feelings is so scarce. If he wasn't witnessing it, Nathan would not have believed it.  
  
"I guess I wasn't ready then to allow me to love so strongly. I could use Jack as an excuse, or Coop or anything else … it doesn't matter anymore now. The only important thing is that she's gone and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't even say good bye … I didn't have the gut to confess my love but I'm convinced that … if I had known I would have … tried something. Maybe I would have tried to hold her back. I'll never know. But what I do know … is that for the second time in my life the person I cherish above everything else is gone and I can't do anything about it. The worst part is that I couldn't tell them … good bye or how much I love them."  


He puts his head down in his hands. The feelings are so strong, he is so moved it is a wonder how he managed to speak so far without bursting into tears. His breathing is ragged, however, after a moment, John resumes speaking.  
  


"I'm so lost Nathan. I feel totally disoriented." He whispers. "After my mother's death, I reacted. I … moved on and I kept in my mind the objective of catching my father to make him pay back. It is still my motivation today. In one day Sam has changed all that, my priority has become this woman and this blonde little girl of hers. I promised myself to protect her. … Each time I looked behind me I could see my mother and I remembered my father's acts. And each time I looked forward … I could see Sam. Not even my career of my father behind bars. No … just Sam." He pauses slightly trying to swallow the lump he knows is forming in his throat. "There is still my mother behind me … but now there is also Sam ... and my life is empty. There's nothing anymore in front of me ..."  
  
Nathan can hear his voice cracking and it surprises him.  
  
"Do you know what will be the most difficult ?" John asks to give himself some time to calm down.  
  
"No." Nathan answers simply.  
  
"On Monday. When I'm back at the VCTF, I won't see her, I won't talk to her, I won't hear her voice, I won't feel her body next to mine at the command center ... Never again ... But I'll see this woman in her seat, doing her job, replace her ... and day by day her presence will fade."  
  
Tears are welling up in his crystal blue eyes. They urge to fall but he holds them back as much as he can. His voice is now as small as the voice of a lost little boy.  
  
"For the first time, I don't know what to do. God I ... I love her so much, it's so strong. I feel like she's dead. Luckily she's not but I feel like she is. Something's missing inside me. And I realize the wound in my heart hurt even more. When I saw Sam, when I really happened to know her, I began to hope it would heal one day, that she would help me … She's gone and the wound is huger than ever … and it hurts like hell. Now I realize it was a blur, it will never heal … For the rest of my life I will regret this, I will blame myself for letting her go ..."  
  
Slowly he breaks down as silent tears begin to fall.  
  
"Jesus, I just wanted to have the chance to say good bye." He sadly shakes his head, slightly sobbing, "Not like this." He whispers as bigger tears stream down his face. His shoulders begin to shake and he puts his head in his hands, letting go in silence.  
  
Michelle has stayed out of sight while John was talking. She is leaning against the door frame and watches him crying silently. Her own tears are about to fall. She never thought she would see John so moved and it is the most heartbreaking thing she has ever witnessed.  
Her gaze meets his husband's, their own pain showing in their eyes as they acknowledge they cannot do anything to ease his pain.  
  
Nathan is surprised by John's sudden showing his emotions. He has known the man for a long time now and he knows him enough to be able to tell that 'pride' is a keyword to understand John's complex personality. But he is also only human. He puts his hand on his shoulder in support, not finding a single word to say that would have any power to help him.  
  
"I am really sorry. I ... I don't know what to say ..." He finally manages to articulate.  
  
John's tears subsided somewhat, voluntarily or not, who knows.  
  
"I'm not sure I expected you to say something."  
  
"Well ... as a matter of fact ... maybe there is ... My mother used to say that 'tears are good for the soul'." Nathan adds.  
  
John laughs shortly, bitterly.   
  
"They don't solve anything." He says as he brushes them angrily. "They won't bring back Sam as they didn't bring my mother back fifteen years ago." He adds as he stands to look through the window. Then he turns to Nathan.  
  
"I'm sorry Nate." He pauses. "Not the happiest reunion you would have imagined."   
  
Nathan smiles at his friend.  
  
"It's okay and you know it. If you feel better now, then it's alright. I'm glad you came to talk to me."  
  
"Yeah ... I suppose I needed to talk about it so as to clear things up. I know I turned you down many times while we were working together when you tried to help me. I didn't think of anyone else I could talk to."  
  
They simply stare at each other for a moment, glad they finally can share something this important in their friendship. Then John speaks up again.  
  
"But the bad guys won't wait for my recovering from a breakdown!"   
  
"You bet !" They smile at each other.  
  
"Uh ... I should go now. I don't want to ..." Nathan cuts him.  
  
"You're kidding ? You're in no shape to drive. You can hardly stay stood. Why don't you try the couch tonight, we'll talk tomorrow, okay ?"  
  
John seems to hesitate but he knows he is right. He is beat. All this is sharply getting to him.  
  
"You must be right." He pauses. "Thanks for everything Nate."  
  
They hug each other quickly then Nathan goes back to his wife.  
  
"Don't mention it. Try to sleep." He throws over his shoulder.  
  
  
Alone in the room, John stays at the window a little more. He is watching the town in the night. As a matter of fact, he is looking far beyond the buildings and the streetlights. He wonders where she is, if everything will be alright for her from now. He still doesn't know how to face the future without her. Another tear escapes and rolls down his cheek to fall on his shirt, on his heart. But he doesn't bother to dry it. It is meant to be the last.  
  


***  
  
_ /.../   
It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
Don't matter if I bleed  
Feel the sting of tears  
Falling on this face you've loved for years  
  
Alison Krauss & Union Station, It doesn't matter _  
  
  
**THE END**  


  * [E-mail the author ][1]

   [1]: mailto:mjames@fbi-agent.com



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